Let us be mindful of what we say to people when we talk to them. So many times, people ask, why does she stay? There are a number of reasons, and I will be writing on that subject specifically at another time. One that I want to briefly touch on is words-what we say and what we hear.
In the beginning stages of most abuse cases, you will find that the physical violence was preceded by some form of verbal abuse. When a woman is told that she is too fat, too skinny, has too many children, not smart enough, etc…and is compared to other women, it weighs heavily on her self esteem. Especially when the person who’s saying these things to you is the same one who told you were beautiful, smart, sexy and ‘perfect just the way you are’. They will love you AND your children. We stay because we love. We hope that if we just lose/gain a little weight, if we just tell our children that it’s not as bad as it seems, if we just, if we just… The truth is, none of that will make any difference to an abuser that is bent on making you feel insecure because he hasn’t dealt with his own.
We all have some sort of insecurity. Men who abuse have stated that they look for those insecurities when looking for women they can control. They look for women with children. They look for the ones who walk with their head & shoulders down. It’s all part of the game of control and domination.
When a person has your mind, they in essence, have you! It is important to surround yourself with positive people, places and things. Tap into energies that feed your inner mind, body and spirit. Tell yourself daily that I am beautiful, I am smart, I’m a go getter, I have something to offer to the RIGHT person. Find a good support group, faith based or otherwise and get an accountability partner. This will be someone whom you trust and will help you through those days when you’re not feeling or doing your best. Words are powerful. They have the ability to lift or break your spirit. Work daily not to give undeserving people a power over you that they should not and do not deserve to have.
I end this short blog with the last verse of a poem I wrote years ago, simply entitled: Words
Lying, trying, dying, justifying, but not justifying the reasons he used to beat you, terrorize and mistreat you, using words to defeat you, denying abuse he’d rather not speak to. You hear him talkin’ but he ain’t saying nothin’. Still tryin’ to run somethin’…from a jail cell…but all he’s running is his mouth. Cuz all you feel is happiness and joy and all you see is a 30 year old boy in a man’s body; trying to reclaim a prize he didn’t deserve in the first place. So whoever said ‘sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me’. Well tell ’em they lied cuz they never tried to live inside my world; a life that was almost lost because of words, life threatening, evil, venomous words.